just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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