best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Did you just see the Batmobile???
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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