i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize
