Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
