STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
