you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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