Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I have fence marks all over my body
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
