Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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