I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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