his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
