I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
