i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
