I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
