Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
