Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
