So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
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Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
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I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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