you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
