He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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