I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
