We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
