Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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