my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
