you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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