OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
