You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
