Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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