i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
