Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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