I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
