no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
