yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
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The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
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You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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