In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I could make wine with my vomit
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
