Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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