why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
