The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
