We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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