i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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