You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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