1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
