Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Randomize
