ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
