He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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