I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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