He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
