May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
