you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
