i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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