Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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