Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
