oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
My balls are so social today.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
