Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
