remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
