There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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