If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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