You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
