Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
We were destined to go to rehab together
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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