Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
