i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
two words: eviction party
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
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