Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
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